you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
