So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
