If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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