Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Randomize
