apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
