dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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