PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
