i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize