OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
