So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
