Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
