I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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