my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
