nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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