Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
