Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
