the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
