I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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