I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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