Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
