if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
