wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
