watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
