somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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