she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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