Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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