She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
