why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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