That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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