Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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