I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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