My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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