I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize