i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
