I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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