I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
