im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
