You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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