Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
