were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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