sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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