you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Couch. On fire.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize