are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize