Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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