Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
