i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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