I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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