Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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