I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
