Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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