the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
