I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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