can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize