How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
