I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
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