I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
