In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
